Dearest Josh...

I write this knowing you'll never read it. I know that our five years of friendship has been mostly me leaning on you, Mostly me needing you, not the other way around. And there is no way I could ever hope to be the friend to you that you have been to me. Not because I don't want to be, But because you will never give me that chance. Not anymore.

These days, I feel like I need you more than you need me. And that is not good for our friendship. Especially since we've become more than friends. To you, it's just a means to an end. To me, it's yet another chance for you to break my heart. Because in the end, you won't choose me. You have never chosen me. I make every effort to be your friend. I call. I text. I Facebook. I worry. And you? I have no idea. I only talk to you when I'm lucky enough to get ahold of you.

This wasn't what I intended to say when I started writing. I wanted to say that I'm stronger than all of this. I'm strong enough to live my life without you as my boyfriend. It took five years of being miserable to realize something: I only want to be with the Josh I loved in 10th grade. Yes, you are a wonderful guy. You are almost exactly the kind of guy I always thought I would marry. But you have changed so much. You aren't the same guy who broke up with me because I wasn't a virgin. You're the guy whose morals changed in college. I miss the high school you.

And this is not to say that we can't still be friends. Or friends with benefits... Whatever. This is to say that after five years, three of which pretending I'm not totally in love with you, I've moved on. I can have my life now. I can truly devote myself to finding someone who will finally love all of me, someone who will like my crazy and be able to handle my depression when it rears it's ugly head. Because that's a monster I'll deal with for the rest of my life, and I've already used you too many times to help me fix my problems.

So today I finally wrote out all of my feelings. I told you how I feel. And now I can go on being your friend. Because the best thing about this letter is that you will never, ever read it. And that's really the best thing for us. Because of the kind of guy that you are, you would feel obligated to address this, and then you or I or both of us would do something we regret. So I'm writing this out to my blog. Because my blog won't force me to make a choice that I'll hate.

So Josh, thank you. Thank you for being my very best friend. Thank you for all the lessons you taught me, even when you didn't know it. I truly have treasured each exquisite moment of pain and happiness you brought to me. You really are the greatest guy I know.

With all my love,

Your Friend.