How.

How do you describe this feeling?

A feeling that you are so special,

That no matter what, someone else thinks you're amazing.

And that person will do whatever they can for you.

It's a feeling that fills you with warmth,

A slow burning ember that buries itself in your chest.

At first you don't know how to react,

You're not sure how this happened.

How anyone could think you're so special,

And that someone would do anything for you.

But in the end, I suppose it really all boils down to one thing:

Do you believe you're worth it?

Magic.
We seek it in all that we do,
Even if we don't know that it's magic we're looking for.
Love.
We spend our whole lives looking for someone,
Someone to complete us,
And once we've found them,
They're ripped away.
Happiness.
It constantly and consistently eludes us,
Teasing us with what we want but can't have.
Sadness.
Completely inevitable,
But we do everything we can to evade it's grasp.
Pain.
A basic fact of life,
One we all wish we could avoid,
But when we try to avoid it,
Pain finds us anyways.
Fear.
Not a way to live a life,
Yet so many people live with this constant companion,
And a life lived in Fear is no life at all.

Thoughts.

Darting eyes,
Racing pulse.
Flushing cheeks,
Hidden feelings.

Fairy-tale thoughts,
Rainbows true.
Storms brewing,
Clouds gathered.

Words shouted,
Accusations standing.
Hurt descending,
Pain never-ending.

Regrets flowing,
Mistakes showing.
Wishes glowing,
Failure growing.

Vacant expressions,
Hurt buried.
Stiff faces,
Scars forming.

Realization hits,
Actions you can't take back.
Life won't be the same,
He's hurt you too deeply.

The darkness threatens me,
The abyss beckons with loving embrace.
So many days I pray for death,
Pray for the pain to end.

The sun doesn't shine in this place,
This place I claim as mine.
Here goodness is not found,
And darkness knows no bounds.
Here I wallow in my misery,
Here I sit in shame.

This is why I cry, this is my pain.
There's none but the blackness,
Nobody knows, nobody cares.
Here I'll lie till the end of time.

The Power of Love

She looks up, slowly noticing he's standing right in front of her. How could she not see him approaching? She usually picks up on her surroundings with ease. Not really sure why, but she looks and him and she wants to cry. No, that's not right. She knows exactly why she's feeling this way. Today has been hard on her, and all of life's cruelty is raining down upon her happy nature. She feels his hand on her shoulder, but barley notices as he sits down beside her. She knows that she'll have no choice but to tell him, and she's not quite sure how to do it.

As he walks up to her, he can see that something is wrong. Normally, it's her who sees him, not he who sees her. There's a look on her face, like she's lost and can't find her way home. The bewilderment is marred by something else. He can't quite place his finger on what it is, though. It's not fear, exactly; maybe it's more like she's shell-shocked. No, that's not it either. He reaches over to put his hand on her shoulder, sees her look right through him, and sits down beside her. That's when it hits him: the look on her face is not fear, but sheer terror. Terror marred by confusion and puzzlement. He wonders what could have possibly put that look on her face.

Summoning up a breath, she turns to face him. Looking into his eyes, she loses her strength, and she begins to sob. With him here to hold her, she can just let out all the heartbreak that is now embedded in her life. But as he holds her close, and whispers to her that she'll be okay, she knows it's a lie. He just doesn't realize yet how big of a lie it is. And to be honest, neither does she. She's not even sure if she'll ever recover from this, if she can ever look at life the same way. And as her tears slowly recede, she looks him in the eyes as he asks her what's wrong.

Just watching her turn her head, he can see that this is not going to be fixable. As much as he would wish to fix her pain, he has absolutely no idea how to fix this. And the thought terrifies him. But as soon as their eyes meet, she loses what little strength she has left, and begins to cry. Tears are nothing new to him, so he draws her close, and whispers to her that it'll be all right, that she'll be okay, she can get through this, all the while having no idea if he's right or not. This is not a simple problem that he can fix in an instant. This is something that he can't fix. At all. Nothing he can do or say will make this go away. And he has no idea what it is. When he notices her tears are fading, he looks at her and asks her what's wrong.

She opens her mouth, hears the words fall from her tongue, and feels the tears begin again. She barely registers his shock as she's enveloped in a hug that makes her feel loved. And she knows, as he holds her close, that he knows he can't fix this for her, but he wants to try all the same. Slowly, she feels a small smile form on her face. The realization that he can fix this, simply by loving her, is all she really needed to know.

He hears the news, and feels the sympathy welling in his heart for his girl. She makes his world go round, and to see her in pain is almost more than he can bear. He's not quite sure what he can do to make it better, other than to just be there for her. He knows that this is the hardest thing she's ever had to face. But as he sits there holding her, he can feel her smiling slightly. He pulls away and looks at her. The love that's in her eyes makes him realize that he has helped simply by loving her. And slowly, he starts to smile too.

Maybe it really will be ok...

For him.

Take my hand,

Draw me close,

Spin me fast,

Then let me go.

I wait and hope

For one quick kiss,

Then let it go,

This one small wish.

I see your soul,

Deep in your eyes,

I see that look,

And away I fly.

My heart is now

No longer mine,

Yet one small thing,

I long as mine.

Those deep green eyes,

They call to me.

And oh how I long to be

The only one that you can see.

I look my last,

Upon your face.

And I see in you

The man I need.

All I Ever Wanted...

Just one look, and I knew it was hopeless.

That smile, those eyes, the laugh that you have

All these things make me melt when I'm around you.

And yet, all I ever wanted...

All I ever wanted was to be yours.

All I ever wanted was to be loved, valued, and supported.

All I ever wanted was my time to shine.

All I ever wanted was you.

But when the storm clouds come, and come they do, where were you?

My sunshine and rainbow outlook on life can't last forever.

With you in my life, the storm stayed away.

But just like always, it returned to blot out my sun.

All I ever wanted was to be yours.

All I ever wanted was to be loved, valued, and supported.

All I ever wanted was my time to shine.

All I ever wanted was you.

The storm clouds gather, awaiting my weak moment.

And for just one instant, my sun wavers, and the clouds descend.

All I ever wanted was to know you care, to know I'm loved.

I guess all I ever wanted was just too much to ask.

All I ever wanted was to be yours.

All I ever wanted was to be loved, valued, and supported.

All I ever wanted was my time to shine.

All I ever wanted was you.

The decision was yours, but look at the affect it had.

You helped the clouds invade my happy place,

You're the reason my rainbows were shattered.

Thanks a lot for destroying all I ever wanted...

All I ever wanted was to be yours.

All I ever wanted was to be loved, valued, and supported.

All I ever wanted was my time to shine.

All I ever wanted was you.

As I struggle and strain against the chains these clouds bring,

I wonder what could possibly have caused you to let this happen to me again.

Maybe it wasn't even a conscious decision, but you must be made aware of the effects.

Your choice today made my sunshine disappear, made my life that much darker.

All I ever wanted was to be yours.

All I ever wanted was to be loved, valued, and supported.

All I ever wanted was my time to shine.

All I ever wanted was you.

Then suddenly, the storm and the chains break.

I'm free once more, no thanks to you, mi amor.

I can honestly say I'm stronger now,

But I can honestly say that I wish this had never happened.

All I ever wanted was to be yours.

All I ever wanted was to be loved, valued, and supported.

All I ever wanted was my time to shine.

All I ever wanted was you.

My inner sun is back, my rainbows have returned.

The clouds dispersed, my sky is clear as can be.

Thank you for this lesson. No more will I trust.

None other than God can I trust, no one but myself and God.

Maybe one of these days I'll get all I ever wanted...

A Dream Within A Dream By Edgar Allen Poe

This poem rings particularly true with me. I just wanted to post it for everyone to enjoy.

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Choices

The day is done. The sun is setting. She sinks into the couch with exhaustion written on her face. Her entire body sags with the burden she's borne for all these months. She sighs, then picks up her phone, makes the call. She knows that after this night, nothing will ever be the same.

Half an hour later, he arrives at her door. He can see how tired she is, and he doesn't understand why. She's the strongest woman he knows, and it kills him to see her strength slowly fading away. She has him sit down next to her on the couch, then she prepares herself to tell him the truth. She knows that he's been wondering what's going on with her these past few months. She knows that he desperately wants to help her. But she also knows that he can't save her from this. If anything, she wishes she could save him. But she can't. And she knows that the longer she puts this off, the harder it will be. For both of them.

He sits there, stunned into disbelief. A million things are racing through his mind: how? Why? He now knows why she's seemed so weighed down lately, why she's been so tired, and why she doesn't even have the strength to keep this from him any longer. As he sits there, his mind finally finishes processing what's happening. He stands up slowly, and gets the wine. They both need something in their hands, something to do other than just sit there in silence.

She can see it written all over his face. He's completely shell-shocked. She knows that now she'll have to live with her choices. Now she will have to face the facts: she made her choices a long time ago and they're finally catching up with her.

After just sitting there for awhile, he looks into her hazel eyes. He can see that whatever he says or does will affect her forever. A deep breath, to steady himself for a fight. This will be the fight of her life, for her life. And as he looks into her eyes, he knows that he'll be there with her, every step of the way.

She can see the determination shining in his eyes. She smiles, knowing that he's going to be there through all the pain, that he won't ever leave her. And she doesn't know how she could have ever doubted his reaction. Suddenly, all the worries she had about his reaction disappear. Her smile becomes radiant, full of confidence that together, they'll get through this. Together, they'll beat this. And all of a sudden, everything will be ok. No matter what choices she's made in the past, now she'll have him to help her make the most important choices she's ever had to make.

For Jake.

For the people who have been put in my life to teach me to be more careful with my heart.

His eyes, his smile, the way he looks at me.

Usually so cautious, I throw caution to the wind.

When he touches my hand, and looks deep into my eyes,

My heart begins to quicken, my blood begins to race.

I look back at him and I know that he knows.

He knows how I feel about him, he knows what I want.

And in that moment I begin to think he wants the same.

So I let my guard down, I allow myself to dream.

In my head this could lead to more serious things.

I let my heart get away from my head.

And that's when it begins: the wishing, the wanting, the inevitable heartbreak.

The next day I wonder if he'll even remember.

If what happened between us was just alcohol-induced lust.

But then the kisses, the touches, the way he looks at me,

Makes me think that maybe this time, just this once, it's not just me.

Maybe this time he has feelings for me too.

A kiss goodbye, a hug, then he's gone.

All day is spent thinking, dreaming of what we could be,

How right this all feels.

Once again I let my heart get away from my head.

Then it comes. The text I'd hoped not to receive.

"Last night was great, But I think we're better as friends..

JUST friends." My heart sinks.

I knew this was going to happen. It always does.

I let my heart rule my head, and then my heart gets broken.

Again.

No matter how many times I hear it, it never fails to hurt.

No matter what I tell myself, I'm always broken-hearted.

And as much as I try to deny it, I've done what I said I would not:

I let a guy hurt me. I let myself dream of what could be.

But I put on a brave face, act like I don't care.

I tell him I get it, it's not a big deal.

Well guess what? It is a big deal.

It's a much bigger deal than you can imagine.

This is what I dread, the one thing that hurts me the most.

And you're the one who did it.

So thank you, Jake. Thank you for hurting me.

Thank you for teaching me not to trust.

This is a lesson I had hoped not to ever learn.

It's in my nature to trust, and this is changing me.

This makes me doubt every guy I meet,

Makes me doubt every single promise.

I don't want to be like this.

I don't want to me distrustful, don't want these walls.

Unfortunately for me, you are helping build this wall.

A wall that has taken years to fall is now being rebuilt.

The more I trust, the more I get hurt.

And each time I get hurt, I become more untrusting.

Now my trust is shattered.

The next guy will have to work that much harder,

Have to break down more walls.

And I don't want that.

But I can't let those walls down.

If I do, I might get hurt again.

My heart can only take so much pain,

Can only heal so many times before it becomes hard.

Next time, think about what you're doing.

Remember that the girl you're with will get hurt.

Don't play anyone else the way you played me.

One day it will come back to haunt you.

Don't ruin another girl's trust.

Yesterday's Hurt Prevents Today's Mistakes.

All the posts up till this point have been poems that I wrote about three years ago.

They still ring true for me today.

For awhile, I was able to keep the dark thoughts at bay. For years I was able to keep the hurt away. And until quite recently, I was happy and carefree. But now the darkness yearns for me, I see it daily, grasping at me. I fight it off, but some days are better than others. Today is not one of those days.

Today I feel the darkness touching me, I feel the roiling clouds of hate and shadow. Today I almost want to give in to the darkness, but I always keep sight of those I love. My family, my friends, they are what keep me from letting the darkness take me.

If I were not loved, I would not be living in the light. I would be consumed by the darkness, lost in the hate, the anger, the shadows.

But I am loved. I am loved by my family, and by my friends. Some days, I may doubt my friends, but I never doubt my family.

Each day is a struggle, each moment is a fight. I hope that the day I fear the most will not come. That one day I will not give in to the darkness that fights for control over me. This day may still come, but not if I can help it. I will not give in. I will not lose faith. I will not let the darkness take control of me.

Guess What Happened Today. 3/01/07

Guess what happened today?
A cute boy stole my heart away.
He looked in my eyes,
And took hold of my hand.

He took my breath away,
Made me want to fly.
The twinkle in our eyes
Could be seen for miles and miles.

Guess what happened today?
A cute boy stole my heart away.
He whisked me away
To lands untold
And there these events preceded to unfold.

He took my breath away
Made me want to fly.
The twinkle in his eyes
Could be seen for miles and miles.

Guess what happened today?
A cute boy stole my heart away.
In these mythical lands
He took my hands,
And then he told me...

He took my breath away
Made me want to fly.
The twinkle in my eyes
Could be seen for miles and miles.

Guess what happened today?
A cute boy stole my heart away.
He told me he loved me,
And he was my all.
I gave my heart,
And he threw it at the wall.

He took my breath away
Made me want to fly.
The twinkle in my eyes
Died in all his lies.

Guess what happened today?
A cute boy stole my heart away.
He stepped on my heart,
Made fun of my love.
And all in all,
Ruined my visions of love.

He used to take my breath away,
Used to make me want to fly.
Till the twinkle in my eyes
Died from all his lies.

Guess what happened today?
A cute boy stole my heart away.
But he doesn't know what he's lost,
Can't begin to fathom his loss.

He used to take my breath away,
Used to make me want to fly.
Till the twinkle in his eyes
Shined for her thru many miles.

Guess what happened today?
Another cute boy stole my heart away.
Hopefully this time I won't get hurt
Though by this time,
You'd think I'd have learned.

Now he's the one who takes my breath away,
The one who makes me want to fly.
The twinkle in our eyes can be seen
For miles and miles.

If I Died Today. 2/28/07

If I died today,
Would your heart fade away?
If I died today,
Would your heart die with me?

If I died today,
Would you regret
Never telling me
How you really felt?

If I died today,
Would you be able to move on?
If I died today,
Who would go to my funeral?

If I died today,
Would you regret
Never telling me
How you really felt?

If I died today,
Would you see me in everything?
If I died today,
Would anyone even care?

If I died today,
Would you regret
Never telling me
How you really felt?

If I died today,
Would anyone cry for me?
If I died today,
How would you grieve for me?

If I died today,
Would you regret
Never telling me
How you really felt?

If I died today......

Hurt. 2/28/07

tired of trying
sick of crying
ya im smiling
but inside im dying.

sometimes its better to
leave something broken,
cause if you try to fix it
you might end up
getting hurt all over again

the sun will continue to rise,
and rain will always fall
but my world will always seem dead
cause you were my all

if i died today,
would you regret
never telling me
how you truly felt?

i hate this feeling
its one i know well
its a thing called heartbreak
and it hurts like hell

they say:
love like you've never been hurt
but ive been hurt so many times
i just dont think i can.

he said i love you
so i sneezed
and coughed and said
sorry im allergic to liars

im going to smile like nothing's wrong
talk like everything's perfect
and act like it's all a dream
and pretend its not hurting me

why do we love
the ones who hurt us
and hurt
the ones who love us?

i may look happy on the outside
but if you felt
how i felt on the inside,
you'd understand.

telling someone you love them
is giving them
the easiest weapon
to hurt you with....

you dont realize
how much you hurt me
by loving her
instead of me.

never promise
not to break her heart
cuz thats something
you just cant promise...

I want to be loved,
and to be loved back,
but its the courage to feel
that i lack.
i dont want to get hurt,
dont want to cry
dont want to spend
everyday wishing to die
i want to fall in love...
but i dont wanna get hurt
i dont want to go crazy over such a little flirt.
dont wanna get too close,
cuz then ill get hurt

The One For Me. 2/28/07

You think you are the one for me?
Well, tell me this: are crazy enough to keep up with me?
Can you relate to me, and keep me happy?
If you can't keep up, why are you still after me?

Are you really the one for me?
Well I don't know yet, but of one thing I'm sure.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
If you can't accept me as I am, then you sure aren't worth any of my time.

It's happened before, I know how the story goes.
One of these days you'll get tired of me.
You may deny it now, but I know hte routine.
Score the girl, get her goods, then move on.

Are you really the one for me?
Well, I don't know yet, but of one thing I'm sure.
If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
If you can't accpet me as I am, then you sure aren't worth any of my time.

And since I'm no fool, I know what to do.
I'll sned you on your way, and I'll be about mine.
Still think you're the one for me?
Well whatev, I'll give you a try.
But when you move on, I'll know that you're gone.

Are you really the one for me?
Well I don't know yet, but of one thing I'm sure.
If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.
If you can't accept me as I am, then you sure aren't worth any of my time.

I'll pick up and move on, like every other time before.

Still think you're the one for me??

For Grant, who lit up our lives while he was still with us. 2/28/07

We woke up, carefree and happy.
We had no idea how we would be tested that day.
That fatefull November day...
Grant, why aren't you here today?
Why aren't you here with me?

And as we gather together to find out what's wrong,
We worry about frivolities and laugh.
But once we see our classmates crying
We finally realize that its serious.

"Guess what guys? Grant's dead.
We don't know the details, we just know that its true."
Those words changed our lives forever,
And the tears begin to fall.

They fall like raindrops in a storm.
The jocks, the preps, the goths, the emos,
and everyone else.
They're all crying together, all comforting each other.

As the shock begins to fade,
The reality begins to kick in.
The hurt begins to fall, we go to church and cry together.
We cry ourselves to sleep, on the shoulder of a friend.

But then we realize that we can't go on like this.
We must go on with life.
Day by day, week by week, month by month,
We work thru the tragedy.

We know that he's always wth us,
Our own personal gaurdian angel.
Grant, our angel, our friend-
We'll see you again someday.

R.I.P. G.Z.

See Me. 2/28/07

as i look in mirror,
day after day,
i try to see who im to become.
and everyone else can see me.
but i cant see.

i cant seem to see who im to become.
cant see the future, what's to come
lost in a daze of past regrets.
spinning around, lost forever.

as i look in my mirror,
day after day,
i try to see who im to become.
and everyone else can see me,
but i cant see.

what is it about me that they can see me?
what is it that makes so invisible to me?
is it pride or shame?
a feeling of hurt or love?

as i look in my mirror,
day after day,
i try to see who im to become.
and everyone else can see me,
but i cant see.

i guess its just something that comes with time.
a sense of purpose, of belonging.
or maybe its just something that you develope.
im not really sure how i can aquire this skill.
all i can tell you is that i dont have it yet.

as i look in my mirror,
day after day,
i try to see who im to become.
and everyone else can see me,
but i cant see.

i cant see me......