Insanity

So this is what insanity feels like. I keep trying to hold onto my thoughts, but they're escaping me right as I'm about to take hold of them. All I know is what I feel. I feel... Free.

I've had times in my life where I thought I was in love. Where I swore up and down that I would do anything for him, move anywhere for him, be anyone for him. But until I met HIM, I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. With HIM, I feel like it's my first love again. I can be exactly who I am without any expectations or pressure. I can be a little kid and not be judged for it. I get butterflies in my stomach when I kiss him, and when I see the way he looks at me. I just feel so happy right now. Like everything I'm stressed about doesn't even matter. Like I'm walking on air. I literally cannot even begin to describe to you how much he means to me. He is always on my mind. I can't think about anything else but being with him again, seeing him again. I just want his arms around me every single night for the rest of our lives. He is everything I've ever wanted and so much more. And do you know how I know that? Because I'm acting like I'm insane.

Every single time I look back on what I've written, I see how I've grown as a person.
I see my flaws and insecurities, I see the strength that lies hidden just beneath the surface.
Nobody can take that from me, and nobody will ever convince me that it's not worth it.

Best Friends

There are a lot of people in this life that you will think are your best friends. It's only when you find your true best friend that you realize how wrong you were. Your best friend will know every little thing about you, all your secrets, all your fears, all your flaws, all your insecurities, and still love you anyways. They see your hopes, your dreams, your strengths, and help you to remember who you are when life wants to knock you down, kick you in the face, and try to keep you from living your life. When you find your true best friend, you will realize that you never knew what friendship was until that person came along. 
I finally found my best friend. Tyler means everything to me. There's nothing we wouldn't do for each other. And even though I might not be his girlfriend, I know that one day I'll get the chance to show him that everything I've done for him is nothing compared to what I'm willing to do for him. Because I believe, I truly, truly believe, that when you find your best friend, you also find your soulmate. 

Hope.

Tyler.

I fucking love you, man. You are the sweetest, funniest, best guy I know. And, unbelievably, you actually love me too. But that's not what this is about. Last night, when I went to Reyes with you so that you wouldn't be drinking alone after what happened to Katie, you started talking. I mean really talking to me. You told me more last night than any of the other times you've been drunk and talking to me. Until last night, I wasn't really sure if you felt the same way about me. But you told me you did, so here I go. I just wanted to say a few things about our conversation last night because you didn't really give me a chance to talk. lol.

First of all, I believe, with everything that I am, that there is a God, and that He does have a plan for us. I know that you see too many bad things in this world to fully believe, and that's ok. But I do believe that when we die we go to Heaven or Hell. And I can feel that Katie is in heaven with the most gorgeous angel wings ever. Can't you just see her, chillin' on a cloud with huge, feathery wings, looking down on us and making sure we're ok? Because that's all I'm thinking about.

Secondly, we talked about why we weren't a couple. The honest-to-God truth is that we are both too scared to lose our friendship. But I can tell you right here, right now, that if we were in a relationship, I would fall hard and fast for you. And I can already tell you that I'm halfway there. Give me something solid to hold onto and I will never let it go. Especially not you. You, so far, seem to be everything I want in a guy. Now, to be fair, I haven't known you all that long. Which is why I'm content, for now, to just be your best friend and more. Because that's what we both need right now. But one of these days, I'm going to get tired of waiting on the sidelines for you.

Third, you asked about Pennsylvania. You asked, if you were to move back right now, would I be willing to go with you. I lied when I said no. I would go with you in a heartbeat. Especially if we were in a relationship. You have become the one person that I would do absolutely anything for. I would move heaven and earth for you, Ty. I am willing to move 24 hours away from my family and friends to be with you, if you truly and sincerely asked me to go with you. I would pack up everything I own, take my snake and my cat, transfer to a community college up there, and I would be with you.

I just have a few more things I want to say to you. You care so much for other people. You are the kind of guy who genuinely cares, no matter what. You love your son so very much. Most girls, especially younger girls, don't want that responsibility. Personally, I've always wanted kids. If you did get Dayton back, I would be more than thrilled for you. I'd be there every step of the way. You also, quite inexplicably, love me. Now, love isn't always enough. I know that. But the fact that you know all you do about me, and you still care, tells me so much. I've told you more than I've told any of the guys I've dated.

Who knows, maybe one of these days we will be a couple. I might just move to Pennsylvania with you. Or we'll stay best friends [with benefits] and I'll stay here when you go back home. Either way, you are my friend for life, and I will always love you. Thank you so much for being my friend and making me feel special. You will always have a place in my heart.

All my love.

If I Could Write a Letter to Me.

I'd say don't forget to tell Papa how much you love him, and not just because he'll leave you all too soon.

I'd remind you not to fall for guys after just one night. One night is far too soon to know if he's Mr. Right.

I'd say please remember that Mom has feelings too. Just because you're hurting, doesn't mean she should too.

I'd remind you not to let life get you down. There's always tomorrow, no matter how bad things are now.

I'd say treat your sisters better, because they don't deserve those words.

I'd remind you not to lie to Dad. He believes in you with all he has.

I'd say give everyone the benefit of a doubt. High school doesn't last forever, no matter what you think right now.

I'd remind you to always act like yourself. No one can compare to the you I know is there.

I'd like to say that no matter what, asking for help is not giving up.

If I could write a letter to me, I'd say never give up.

Remember that your depression isn't who you are. You are so much more than those vicious thoughts, you're a bright and shining star.

And remember when you're older, how those years have changed you so.

Don't ever forget that Mom and Dad told you so. Because no one believes in you more than them, and in the end they're the ones who were there to lend a hand.

But before I go, there's one last thing I must say to you. You're beautiful, smart, funny and kind of amazing, too. No one can tell you different, not even yourself. So don't ever stop believing you aren't for something more.

This was written to help me cope with my depression. Some people turn to alcohol, some to drugs, but I prefer to write, to give myself a voice. There are many things I've done in life that I thought were hurting other people, but I was really just hurting myself instead. But when it comes down to me seriously considering hurting myself to get away from those choices, something's gotta give, and it certainly won't be me. I'm going to fight for myself, and fight for the life I KNOW I can have.

No Reason.

There is absolutely no logical reason for the way I feel.

There's no one incident in my life that has completely changed me,

No one person responsible for my life being radically altered.

For the most part, I just suffer in silence and pretend I'm ok.

But that's not my reality.

My reality is black, lost and tumultuous.

My reality is a debilitating depression that threatens everything I have in my life.

I can't get out of bed to go to work, I don't want to leave my house to do anything at all.

Today I once again tottered on the edge, trying to decide if life was even worth it or not.

And the sad part is that this is a regular occurrence in my life now.

I'd venture to say that at least once a month I seriously consider suicide.

And no one knows....

The only person I've ever met who does understand doesn't speak to me anymore.

There was only one other person who I talked to about it.

We haven't talked in months either.

I feel utterly and completely alone...

I've felt alone for quite some time now.

I don't think anyone can possibly understand how alone I feel.