Hope.

Tyler.

I fucking love you, man. You are the sweetest, funniest, best guy I know. And, unbelievably, you actually love me too. But that's not what this is about. Last night, when I went to Reyes with you so that you wouldn't be drinking alone after what happened to Katie, you started talking. I mean really talking to me. You told me more last night than any of the other times you've been drunk and talking to me. Until last night, I wasn't really sure if you felt the same way about me. But you told me you did, so here I go. I just wanted to say a few things about our conversation last night because you didn't really give me a chance to talk. lol.

First of all, I believe, with everything that I am, that there is a God, and that He does have a plan for us. I know that you see too many bad things in this world to fully believe, and that's ok. But I do believe that when we die we go to Heaven or Hell. And I can feel that Katie is in heaven with the most gorgeous angel wings ever. Can't you just see her, chillin' on a cloud with huge, feathery wings, looking down on us and making sure we're ok? Because that's all I'm thinking about.

Secondly, we talked about why we weren't a couple. The honest-to-God truth is that we are both too scared to lose our friendship. But I can tell you right here, right now, that if we were in a relationship, I would fall hard and fast for you. And I can already tell you that I'm halfway there. Give me something solid to hold onto and I will never let it go. Especially not you. You, so far, seem to be everything I want in a guy. Now, to be fair, I haven't known you all that long. Which is why I'm content, for now, to just be your best friend and more. Because that's what we both need right now. But one of these days, I'm going to get tired of waiting on the sidelines for you.

Third, you asked about Pennsylvania. You asked, if you were to move back right now, would I be willing to go with you. I lied when I said no. I would go with you in a heartbeat. Especially if we were in a relationship. You have become the one person that I would do absolutely anything for. I would move heaven and earth for you, Ty. I am willing to move 24 hours away from my family and friends to be with you, if you truly and sincerely asked me to go with you. I would pack up everything I own, take my snake and my cat, transfer to a community college up there, and I would be with you.

I just have a few more things I want to say to you. You care so much for other people. You are the kind of guy who genuinely cares, no matter what. You love your son so very much. Most girls, especially younger girls, don't want that responsibility. Personally, I've always wanted kids. If you did get Dayton back, I would be more than thrilled for you. I'd be there every step of the way. You also, quite inexplicably, love me. Now, love isn't always enough. I know that. But the fact that you know all you do about me, and you still care, tells me so much. I've told you more than I've told any of the guys I've dated.

Who knows, maybe one of these days we will be a couple. I might just move to Pennsylvania with you. Or we'll stay best friends [with benefits] and I'll stay here when you go back home. Either way, you are my friend for life, and I will always love you. Thank you so much for being my friend and making me feel special. You will always have a place in my heart.

All my love.

If I Could Write a Letter to Me.

I'd say don't forget to tell Papa how much you love him, and not just because he'll leave you all too soon.

I'd remind you not to fall for guys after just one night. One night is far too soon to know if he's Mr. Right.

I'd say please remember that Mom has feelings too. Just because you're hurting, doesn't mean she should too.

I'd remind you not to let life get you down. There's always tomorrow, no matter how bad things are now.

I'd say treat your sisters better, because they don't deserve those words.

I'd remind you not to lie to Dad. He believes in you with all he has.

I'd say give everyone the benefit of a doubt. High school doesn't last forever, no matter what you think right now.

I'd remind you to always act like yourself. No one can compare to the you I know is there.

I'd like to say that no matter what, asking for help is not giving up.

If I could write a letter to me, I'd say never give up.

Remember that your depression isn't who you are. You are so much more than those vicious thoughts, you're a bright and shining star.

And remember when you're older, how those years have changed you so.

Don't ever forget that Mom and Dad told you so. Because no one believes in you more than them, and in the end they're the ones who were there to lend a hand.

But before I go, there's one last thing I must say to you. You're beautiful, smart, funny and kind of amazing, too. No one can tell you different, not even yourself. So don't ever stop believing you aren't for something more.

This was written to help me cope with my depression. Some people turn to alcohol, some to drugs, but I prefer to write, to give myself a voice. There are many things I've done in life that I thought were hurting other people, but I was really just hurting myself instead. But when it comes down to me seriously considering hurting myself to get away from those choices, something's gotta give, and it certainly won't be me. I'm going to fight for myself, and fight for the life I KNOW I can have.

No Reason.

There is absolutely no logical reason for the way I feel.

There's no one incident in my life that has completely changed me,

No one person responsible for my life being radically altered.

For the most part, I just suffer in silence and pretend I'm ok.

But that's not my reality.

My reality is black, lost and tumultuous.

My reality is a debilitating depression that threatens everything I have in my life.

I can't get out of bed to go to work, I don't want to leave my house to do anything at all.

Today I once again tottered on the edge, trying to decide if life was even worth it or not.

And the sad part is that this is a regular occurrence in my life now.

I'd venture to say that at least once a month I seriously consider suicide.

And no one knows....

The only person I've ever met who does understand doesn't speak to me anymore.

There was only one other person who I talked to about it.

We haven't talked in months either.

I feel utterly and completely alone...

I've felt alone for quite some time now.

I don't think anyone can possibly understand how alone I feel.

The Truth.

Albert,

Knowing that you will probably never read this blog is the one thing that is allowing me to speak so freely. For most of my life, I've been living according to someone else's rules and morals. In the last year, I've decided that I'm comfortable enough in myself to be able to venture beyond the world my parents live in. For the most part this has included partying, smoking, drinking... You get the idea. lol. But I've also been dating more, and trying to find someone who I could be myself around. For the most part, I've failed miserably. The guys I've been dating have not been right for me. They've been jerks and losers, going nowhere. And then you came along. You wonderful, amazing, smart, perfect man. You are, without a doubt, the sweetest guy I've ever met. You are extremely smart, and you're in school. You will, when you graduate, have many job opportunities beyond Gringo's. But it's more than you having a good job, or being good to me. You're the one person who makes me feel like I'm not constantly screwing things up. You make me want to be a better person, a person who's not constantly trying to impress the wrong people. But most of all, you make me happy. I haven't been happy like this in a long time. I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but I already feel like we belong together. (Ugh, now I'm REALLY glad you won't read this :P ) I just hope that when you move to Dallas we can keep things together. I don't want to lose you.

"Here's the thing about taking risks: you might get hurt. You might fail miserably. You might fall flat on your face. OR you might succeed. You might find that when you have courage you can do all sorts of things you once thought were impossible. So will you give in to the fear, or will you be brave, take a chance, and attempt the impossible?"

For Nick.

"Morning, princess."

That's the text message I woke up to today.

It came from the phone of someone special,

From someone who makes me feel special.

It came from him.

These days, you don't go out on dates.

You go over to someone's house to "hang out" or "watch movies."

We ALL know what really goes on.

But he changes that for me.

He asked me out.

Never in my life has someone asked for my number,

Then, like a gentleman, called for a lunch date.

It's amazing how just being asked out first makes you feel good about yourself.

It's only been a few weeks.. Well, it's actually been six weeks and two days,

But I already know I can completely trust him.

I already know I don't have to worry about other girls.

The most I have to worry about is what to wear when he calls me to hang out.

And he's told me to not fall in love with him,

That he's not a good guy, that I would just end up hurt.

Honestly, being hurt is nothing new to me.

I can handle anything life throws at me.

Something that is amazing about all of this is that I'd actually given up.

I had decided that I wasn't going to try anymore.

Not because I couldn't find anyone to love me,

But because I couldn't find anybody who deserved me.

I didn't realize that you had always wanted me,

From the moment you met me.

I've never had anyone tell me that before.

To be honest, it kind of scared me... But in a good way.

And I wish I could tell you all the things I fear,

But I think at this point you would just look at me like I'm crazy.

You wouldn't call me stupid or anything,

But you believe in me more than I believe in myself.

Yes, there are a few years between us.

Ten of them, to be exact.

And yes, some of the stories you've told me scare me to death.

But I'm more than willing to embrace the scars.

I have a few of my own.

They might not seem as serious or as long-lasting as yours,

But it would surprise you what I hold onto.

I hold onto the smallest things, the little jabs that get under my skin.

But you, you make all those scars seem beautiful.

You make me feel like all of my mistakes and heartaches have led me to this moment.

Right here, right now, with you.

You've helped me live in the moment.

And so as I embrace these new experiences,

And take on some new challenges, I'm so thankful for you in my life.

It's not been that long, and we've got so much time ahead of us,

But I feel like this could work.

That we could make this thing between us last as long as we want it to.

Because in the end, don't we all just want something that lasts forever ?

To Christian.

My heart is constricting,

My throat is closing.

My eyes are filling,

My stomach clenching.

I'm not sure how to do this,

Not sure what comes next.

I knew this day would come,

But I had no idea it would feel like this.

My heart pounds

As my mouth dries out.

My eyes overflow

While sobs stop in my throat.

You are my lifeline,

The only one who understands.

But today I have to let you go,

Today I leave you alone.

All the things I want to say to you is

Overshadowed by everything I cannot say aloud.

I know that I'll worry about you

And I know that won't be able to see you.

These tears I shed aren't a bad thing,

But rather an admission of how much you mean to me.

And this is my way of saying to you

Exactly how much I love and cherish you.

And not only can I say that I love you,

But what I never could say to your face:

You are so much more than a friend to me.

You are everything I look for in a man and more.

But because I can never say this to you,

I'm saying it here and leaving it at that.

Mostly because I love our friendship too much,

And I would do anything for you to always need me like this.

So goodbye for the last time,

I treasured every moment we spent together.

I hope and pray that I'll see you again,

And know that you are always in my prayers.