No Reason.

There is absolutely no logical reason for the way I feel.

There's no one incident in my life that has completely changed me,

No one person responsible for my life being radically altered.

For the most part, I just suffer in silence and pretend I'm ok.

But that's not my reality.

My reality is black, lost and tumultuous.

My reality is a debilitating depression that threatens everything I have in my life.

I can't get out of bed to go to work, I don't want to leave my house to do anything at all.

Today I once again tottered on the edge, trying to decide if life was even worth it or not.

And the sad part is that this is a regular occurrence in my life now.

I'd venture to say that at least once a month I seriously consider suicide.

And no one knows....

The only person I've ever met who does understand doesn't speak to me anymore.

There was only one other person who I talked to about it.

We haven't talked in months either.

I feel utterly and completely alone...

I've felt alone for quite some time now.

I don't think anyone can possibly understand how alone I feel.

The Truth.

Albert,

Knowing that you will probably never read this blog is the one thing that is allowing me to speak so freely. For most of my life, I've been living according to someone else's rules and morals. In the last year, I've decided that I'm comfortable enough in myself to be able to venture beyond the world my parents live in. For the most part this has included partying, smoking, drinking... You get the idea. lol. But I've also been dating more, and trying to find someone who I could be myself around. For the most part, I've failed miserably. The guys I've been dating have not been right for me. They've been jerks and losers, going nowhere. And then you came along. You wonderful, amazing, smart, perfect man. You are, without a doubt, the sweetest guy I've ever met. You are extremely smart, and you're in school. You will, when you graduate, have many job opportunities beyond Gringo's. But it's more than you having a good job, or being good to me. You're the one person who makes me feel like I'm not constantly screwing things up. You make me want to be a better person, a person who's not constantly trying to impress the wrong people. But most of all, you make me happy. I haven't been happy like this in a long time. I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but I already feel like we belong together. (Ugh, now I'm REALLY glad you won't read this :P ) I just hope that when you move to Dallas we can keep things together. I don't want to lose you.

"Here's the thing about taking risks: you might get hurt. You might fail miserably. You might fall flat on your face. OR you might succeed. You might find that when you have courage you can do all sorts of things you once thought were impossible. So will you give in to the fear, or will you be brave, take a chance, and attempt the impossible?"

For Nick.

"Morning, princess."

That's the text message I woke up to today.

It came from the phone of someone special,

From someone who makes me feel special.

It came from him.

These days, you don't go out on dates.

You go over to someone's house to "hang out" or "watch movies."

We ALL know what really goes on.

But he changes that for me.

He asked me out.

Never in my life has someone asked for my number,

Then, like a gentleman, called for a lunch date.

It's amazing how just being asked out first makes you feel good about yourself.

It's only been a few weeks.. Well, it's actually been six weeks and two days,

But I already know I can completely trust him.

I already know I don't have to worry about other girls.

The most I have to worry about is what to wear when he calls me to hang out.

And he's told me to not fall in love with him,

That he's not a good guy, that I would just end up hurt.

Honestly, being hurt is nothing new to me.

I can handle anything life throws at me.

Something that is amazing about all of this is that I'd actually given up.

I had decided that I wasn't going to try anymore.

Not because I couldn't find anyone to love me,

But because I couldn't find anybody who deserved me.

I didn't realize that you had always wanted me,

From the moment you met me.

I've never had anyone tell me that before.

To be honest, it kind of scared me... But in a good way.

And I wish I could tell you all the things I fear,

But I think at this point you would just look at me like I'm crazy.

You wouldn't call me stupid or anything,

But you believe in me more than I believe in myself.

Yes, there are a few years between us.

Ten of them, to be exact.

And yes, some of the stories you've told me scare me to death.

But I'm more than willing to embrace the scars.

I have a few of my own.

They might not seem as serious or as long-lasting as yours,

But it would surprise you what I hold onto.

I hold onto the smallest things, the little jabs that get under my skin.

But you, you make all those scars seem beautiful.

You make me feel like all of my mistakes and heartaches have led me to this moment.

Right here, right now, with you.

You've helped me live in the moment.

And so as I embrace these new experiences,

And take on some new challenges, I'm so thankful for you in my life.

It's not been that long, and we've got so much time ahead of us,

But I feel like this could work.

That we could make this thing between us last as long as we want it to.

Because in the end, don't we all just want something that lasts forever ?

To Christian.

My heart is constricting,

My throat is closing.

My eyes are filling,

My stomach clenching.

I'm not sure how to do this,

Not sure what comes next.

I knew this day would come,

But I had no idea it would feel like this.

My heart pounds

As my mouth dries out.

My eyes overflow

While sobs stop in my throat.

You are my lifeline,

The only one who understands.

But today I have to let you go,

Today I leave you alone.

All the things I want to say to you is

Overshadowed by everything I cannot say aloud.

I know that I'll worry about you

And I know that won't be able to see you.

These tears I shed aren't a bad thing,

But rather an admission of how much you mean to me.

And this is my way of saying to you

Exactly how much I love and cherish you.

And not only can I say that I love you,

But what I never could say to your face:

You are so much more than a friend to me.

You are everything I look for in a man and more.

But because I can never say this to you,

I'm saying it here and leaving it at that.

Mostly because I love our friendship too much,

And I would do anything for you to always need me like this.

So goodbye for the last time,

I treasured every moment we spent together.

I hope and pray that I'll see you again,

And know that you are always in my prayers.

This is a letter to my high school, Rainard.

You gave me my confidence. When I first started at Rainard, I had spent so many years of desperately trying to fit in that I was ready to let it all hang out, so to speak. I had decided that I would no longer be afraid of being who I was, even if it meant people labeled me. I had spent the last six years surrounded by kids who never fully accepted me because I hadn't been around them long enough.

At Rainard, though I began my two years there as the only student, I was immediately challenged and accepted by my teachers. The younger kids in the Lower school could keep up with me and even challenged me in some areas. When I did finally get fellow students, beginning with Harris, Tim, and Charles, ending with John and Phillip, I was surrounded by minds like mine. And even though I've never had little brothers, I ended up with a whole herd of adolescent boys that I see as my brothers. I wish them the absolute best in life and want nothing more than to see them succeed.

But more than anything, I noticed very quickly that I was surrounded by people who valued a keen mind and the natural curiosity that accompanies such a mind. The faculty encouraged my reading and natural affinity for English and History. The students challenged me by adding a competitive edge to my thinking. I was, for once in my life, accepted.

This acceptance gave me a confidence I had never known. Today I have accomplished so much because I was able to just be myself. I have lived in Kenya and El Salvador, using my faith to help others get closer to God. Rainard also gave me the confidence to defend my faith, a situation I'd never encountered before Rainard. While not many people enjoy having their beliefs questioned, I know that the logic behind my fellow students' brains is what rules them, and I respect that. I myself question my faith at times. But unlike my friends, I feel like logic constantly defends my beliefs rather than rejects them. But I digress.

I began this to try and express all that this exceptional school gave me. It gave me confidence, it gave me better people skills, and it gave me a sense of belonging that I'd not known before, not even among my family. So thank you. Thank you for all you gave me, including two of my best friends :)

Dearest Josh...

I write this knowing you'll never read it. I know that our five years of friendship has been mostly me leaning on you, Mostly me needing you, not the other way around. And there is no way I could ever hope to be the friend to you that you have been to me. Not because I don't want to be, But because you will never give me that chance. Not anymore.

These days, I feel like I need you more than you need me. And that is not good for our friendship. Especially since we've become more than friends. To you, it's just a means to an end. To me, it's yet another chance for you to break my heart. Because in the end, you won't choose me. You have never chosen me. I make every effort to be your friend. I call. I text. I Facebook. I worry. And you? I have no idea. I only talk to you when I'm lucky enough to get ahold of you.

This wasn't what I intended to say when I started writing. I wanted to say that I'm stronger than all of this. I'm strong enough to live my life without you as my boyfriend. It took five years of being miserable to realize something: I only want to be with the Josh I loved in 10th grade. Yes, you are a wonderful guy. You are almost exactly the kind of guy I always thought I would marry. But you have changed so much. You aren't the same guy who broke up with me because I wasn't a virgin. You're the guy whose morals changed in college. I miss the high school you.

And this is not to say that we can't still be friends. Or friends with benefits... Whatever. This is to say that after five years, three of which pretending I'm not totally in love with you, I've moved on. I can have my life now. I can truly devote myself to finding someone who will finally love all of me, someone who will like my crazy and be able to handle my depression when it rears it's ugly head. Because that's a monster I'll deal with for the rest of my life, and I've already used you too many times to help me fix my problems.

So today I finally wrote out all of my feelings. I told you how I feel. And now I can go on being your friend. Because the best thing about this letter is that you will never, ever read it. And that's really the best thing for us. Because of the kind of guy that you are, you would feel obligated to address this, and then you or I or both of us would do something we regret. So I'm writing this out to my blog. Because my blog won't force me to make a choice that I'll hate.

So Josh, thank you. Thank you for being my very best friend. Thank you for all the lessons you taught me, even when you didn't know it. I truly have treasured each exquisite moment of pain and happiness you brought to me. You really are the greatest guy I know.

With all my love,

Your Friend.