Have You Ever Wondered?

Have you ever wondered why?

Why this life is all we're given?

Why what we're given in this life makes it so hard?

Why when something good is given to us, it's ripped away all too soon?

Even if you don't wonder, I do.

I wonder why he lied.

I wonder why our love was so short.

I wonder what would have happened if he'd given us a chance.

I wonder if I should say something...

If I should tell him that I still think we could work,

That even though it was rough we could survive.

But then I realize that that's exactly what I can't do.

Because even though I wonder day after day

What we might have had he allowed us a chance,

I know that I can be myself all on my own.

I know that I don't need him.

I know that there is more to life than having a man.

And though he may wonder day after day, or not,

I will never wonder about one thing: myself.

Life.

Pain is one of life's inevitabilities.

It shows up when we least expect it.

And because we try so hard to avoid pain,

We don't always know how to deal with it.

But avoiding it is the worst thing you can do.

Avoiding life's pain only puts it off,

And then it builds and builds until you can't deny it any longer.

Trust.

This is what can get us through anything that life could possibly throw at us.

Trusting those who love us the most.

Trusting that even though they might not know what to say,

They can always just be there for you.

But trust is also a double-edged sword.

Trust can so easily lead to pain.

And then you're right back where you started.

All the pain that's caused by trust,

All the trust that's needed to get you through the pain.

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it.

And then someone comes along who makes me remember;

Remember why it's worth it to give life one more chance.

Because even though this world is full of pain and sorrow,

There are so many moments of bliss, joy and peace to be had.

Thoughts.

Why?

Why do I spend every second of every day coaching myself into happiness?

I spend countless hours dreaming,

Only to wake and find I don't like life's bleak reality.

But in those few moments of precious bliss,

When I'm still halfway between dream and reality,

I feel like the world is mine to conquer,

That everything in this life will be laid at my feet.

That no matter what happens,

Whether this boy likes me or this boy doesn't,

That I don't need anyone else's approval.

That I don't need other people to make me happy.

In those few moments,

I can truly see what life has to offer me.

And then it's gone.

The stark bleakness of reality drags me screaming back to life.

And I go through my days fighting despair,

Fighting that ever present darkness,

The darkness which is always pulling,

Always searching for a way to drag me into the abyss.

But in the end,

It's those few moments of perfect bliss that keep me going.

Those precious seconds of rightness are my redeeming hope.

And in those moments, those seconds between my realities,

I am the most powerful woman alive.

I am capable of absolutely anything I can dream of achieving.

And that is why I keep trudging through the blackness.

How.

How do you describe this feeling?

A feeling that you are so special,

That no matter what, someone else thinks you're amazing.

And that person will do whatever they can for you.

It's a feeling that fills you with warmth,

A slow burning ember that buries itself in your chest.

At first you don't know how to react,

You're not sure how this happened.

How anyone could think you're so special,

And that someone would do anything for you.

But in the end, I suppose it really all boils down to one thing:

Do you believe you're worth it?

Magic.
We seek it in all that we do,
Even if we don't know that it's magic we're looking for.
Love.
We spend our whole lives looking for someone,
Someone to complete us,
And once we've found them,
They're ripped away.
Happiness.
It constantly and consistently eludes us,
Teasing us with what we want but can't have.
Sadness.
Completely inevitable,
But we do everything we can to evade it's grasp.
Pain.
A basic fact of life,
One we all wish we could avoid,
But when we try to avoid it,
Pain finds us anyways.
Fear.
Not a way to live a life,
Yet so many people live with this constant companion,
And a life lived in Fear is no life at all.

Thoughts.

Darting eyes,
Racing pulse.
Flushing cheeks,
Hidden feelings.

Fairy-tale thoughts,
Rainbows true.
Storms brewing,
Clouds gathered.

Words shouted,
Accusations standing.
Hurt descending,
Pain never-ending.

Regrets flowing,
Mistakes showing.
Wishes glowing,
Failure growing.

Vacant expressions,
Hurt buried.
Stiff faces,
Scars forming.

Realization hits,
Actions you can't take back.
Life won't be the same,
He's hurt you too deeply.

The darkness threatens me,
The abyss beckons with loving embrace.
So many days I pray for death,
Pray for the pain to end.

The sun doesn't shine in this place,
This place I claim as mine.
Here goodness is not found,
And darkness knows no bounds.
Here I wallow in my misery,
Here I sit in shame.

This is why I cry, this is my pain.
There's none but the blackness,
Nobody knows, nobody cares.
Here I'll lie till the end of time.